Stuff Jasper Says: My Life is One Big Work of Mystery

My nephew Jasper has been living with me since my sister passed away at the end of March, 2010. Since then he’s said a lot of funny things that I’ve posted on Feisbúc. Here they are collected in random order:

Stuff Jasper Says

March 30, 2010. My Status Update: “thanks friends and family who came out to give respects to my sister. But it’s all still all so overwhelming, and I’m in agreement with Jasper: I’d like to put on heavy earmuffs and blinders.”

(During a commercial break while watching Community): “I had a nightmare where I survived the zombie apocalypse inside a taco truck. The really scary part was that there were no tacos. I woke up in a cold sweat. I almost went to your room to tell you, Tío, I need therapy!”

(Walking around looking at the various ICBM’s, rocket missiles, jet planes, and other weapons of war): “What’s up with people always trying to kill each other?”

(At the Ayasofia in Istanbul): “After we leave here can we go sit down on a bench in the park? I need time reflect on the amazingness of this place. Knowing that people who have been dead hundreds and hundreds of years have walked in this place makes me realize that I’m nothing more than a grain of sand on the beach of history.”

(Driving into Rio Rancho) “I think if you’ve been bad in life, Rio Rancho is where you go after you die.”

(After doing a little exercise) “Roar! Now I have a six pack!”

(At the Riverside Trek Fest parade –where the various organizations are throwing candy into the crowd– when the Republican Party float appears) “Definitely not getting candy from them. It’s poison.”

(While at the lucha libre at the historic Arena México) “This is the most exciting experience of my life.”

(On Best Animated film going to Big Hero 6): “Yes! Every kid in this country saw Big Hero 6, I’ll bet only seven kids in the wilds of Connecticut saw The Boxtrolls.”

(Still talking about that goal by Dempsey in the first minute of the USA-Ghana match): “That goal was so beautiful I wish I could have it on my iPad so I could watch it over and over.”

(To Lauren after she repeatedly asks him if there are any girls in his class that he finds “interesting”): “Listen. I’m a one-man show.”

(On the movie Titanic): “They take a tragic historical incident and turned it into a sucky movie. The only person I know who liked it was my tía Renée, and she doesn’t count because she likes everything.”

(Why he doesn’t like watching the news): “All they do is impose control through fear.”

(While playing a video game at the movie theatre): “Eat my Gatling guns!”

(As we stand in the backyard while the cats lounge and the dog runs around our feet under a clear intense blue sky and we look at the snow on the Sandia peak): “All I need is better grades at school and life would be perfect.”

(On the Oscar going to American Sniper for sound editing): “Wait, these guys got an award for taking sounds from Call of Duty and using them in a movie?”

(Walking up to me —his clothes a mess and bits of slaughtered sheep on his hands— afterhaving helped skin and clean out the insides of three sheep): “This is really awesome, but I’m afraid that later I’m going to have nightmares.”

(Upon hearing a headline on NPR about the Great Depression): “How come there isn’t a Great Happiness?”

Jasper on the winners of the documentary short, in particular the dress that one ofthe winners was wearing: “What. Is. That? Did she want to go dressed as fuzzy dice?”

(As we’re looking at bicycles): “So, if I don’t get a motorcycle, I want a lowrider.”

Me:”A lowrider?”

J:”Yeah, so when I go to the airport to pick you up, we can cruise back and use the hydraulics.”

(On a school project): “I was going to do an internet report on you for class, but in the end I couldn’t because you’re not famous enough.”

(On a school project 2:) “But I don’t think that’s true, I looked you up. You’re talked about on the internet.

(After he tells me that his favorite band is either “Devo or the Clash” and I remind him that it was only a few days ago that they registered on his radar): “I only need to hear two songs to tell me that they rock my world.”

(While watching Madonna perform at the Super Bowl halftime show and marveling at her age) “She looks a lot better than Brett Favre and he works out alot.”

(On the 2015 Academy Awards) 

Jasper on Boyhood: “I don’t want to watch that. I don’t want to ruin my boyhood.”

Jasper on Neil Patrick Harris as Oscar host: “Neil Patrick Harris would be a lot funnier if he hadn’t been in Smurfs 2.”

Jasper on the presentation of “Everything Is Awesome”: “That’s not true. It’s not true that everything you think or do is awesome. Some people think and do messed up things. And that’s not awesome.”

(On British English) “I don’t get it. If they say ‘mum’ for ‘mom’ why don’t they call ‘dad,’ ‘dud’?”

(Upon being told that he can’t go with me to go see The Bicycle Thief because it’s an “Italian neo-realist film from the 40’s”) “But I love Italian neo-realist films from the 40’s!”

(On being an astronaut): “I’ve always wanted to go to space. But then I saw Gravity.”

(While walking to the post office and after telling me a fact about soldier training during World War II) “How do I know this? I once played World at War. Oh, and I read a book.”

(Right-handed Jasper upon discovering that I’m a lefty) That’s pretty cool, I kind of like the idea of having an opposite.

(After finding out that school was cancelled today) “If you need me, I’m going to be in the back yard building a swing, and drinking pop.”

(While we’re grocery shopping): “I don’t know what planet you’re from, but they have a strange sense of reality.”

(Upon seeing the store: Blind Factory) What do they do there? Hit you in the face? Dothey sell the sun?

(After I’ve finished the prep for tonight’s cena I’m making -chicken in a cilantro, garlic,and lime sauce): “You haven’t even started cooking and it already smells like heaven.”

(As he prepares to scoop out a pumpkin’s insides): Prepare for your lobotomy, Jack.

(About Barcelona): “The awesomeness of all this awesome stuff is awesome.”

(On himself): My life is one big work of mystery.

(As we walk downtown in the 99 degree heat and humidity) “I think I’m getting used to the heat, I no longer feel like I’m swimming in hot jello.”

(As he is tossing and turning in bed): “I think someone waylaid Mr.Sandman.”

(As I prepare to embarrass him with my singing on our morning walk to school): “I can’t believe they kicked you off American Idol before it even started.”

(Half-asleep in Mexico City as we buy pan dulce for tomorrow): “Know what I do after I eat a donut? I spit out the hole.”

(After our balloon flight yesterday as we head off to get breakfast): “When I grow up can I change my name to Santiago? I think Jasper is not a very manly name for an adult and Santiago the III sounds so cool.”

(After responding to his question “What’s your superpower?” with “being a tío (uncle)” and going back and forth a bit whether this was alegitimate superpower with me insisting it is): “Yeah, ok, I agree. You’repretty awesome at being a tío.”

(As he’s telling me about his school day): “So, I’m kind of a hit with the ladies. I may be chubby, but I still got it going on.”

(In frustration to me as he battles with a problematic brake on his bike that I have to keep adjusting and my constant comments for him to relax, keep his concentration, not get frustrated): What are you, a bike Yoda?!

(After wishing me a good morning and announcing that he’s off to take a shower): “See you on the other side… of cleanliness.”

(To me a few minutes ago): Even though it’s my birthday, you have something to be proud of, I’m going into fourth grade!

(on Wyoming): Wyoming leaves me in awe, but I can’t wait to get home to sweet Iowa.

(To me on our morning walk to his school): “If I were you, I’d keep myweirdness inside.”

(On Theatre): “Why doesn’t anyone appreciate theatre anymore?”

(After spending a day sweating in the humid Iowa heat): “You sure picked a perfect time to move me to Iowa.”

(While leafing through a recent issue of the New Yorker) I’m a weird kid; I read the New Yorker.

(Listing off the “thousand things” he’s going to miss about Iowa) “the people we’ve met and haven’t met, the houses we’ve visited and the ones we’ve never had a chance to visit… all the things that make up this perfect Iowa, the place where I thought after New York that I was going to put down my bags and lie back in peace.”

(While watching the Oscars and seeing the winning clip for Best Foreign Film, In A Better World) “It’s a movie about two kids who bomb a little station.Wow.”

(As he prepares to go to bed): May the monsters under my bed stop plotting to get meand clean my room instead.

(As he tells me about the periods in history that he’s interested in, I ask him about whether he might be interested in becoming a scholar on the Mexican-American war): “You know what I think of the Mexican-American war?I think it was a giant land grab by the United States.”

(After I tell him about the Donner Party): “Could you tell me that story from thebeginning again? I only started listening at the part where they began to eateach other.”

(After seeing an ad for some video game where you have to shoot zombies) “I have problems with those games. I can never get over the feeling that those zombies were people once with normal lives who had something horrible happen to them.”

After I point out that he has no problems playing other games that involve shooting soldiers or terrorists, he says:

“Well,that’s different.”

(To me) “You’re not a dork. You’re a nerd, maybe a geek. But not a dork.”

(On New Mexico): “Youknow what I like about New Mexico? It’s a mix of the old West with science fiction.”

(On discovering that the death penalty still exists in the US): “this shows that we are no longer human, we have lost our humanity; we are aliens.”

(Wandering around the ruins of Ephesus): “Let’s sit here and reflect a bit on the greatnessthat is this world.”

(In Istanbul, having chocolate soufflé for dessert): “I want to eat here everytime we come to Istanbul and I will be ordering this always. Always.”

(To Pepe after going through the Yuyanapaq exhbit at the Museo de la Nación in Lima):“That show was so powerful that even tío almost lost his hard, callous, exterior.”

(On the 2015 Oscars): “So wait, let me get this straight, the African American actors are only here to present awards? Where are the Latinos?”


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